MIKE WILLIAMS CKFH ONE LINERS           Written by Bud Riley 1972-1973 

SECTION ONE​​                                                                                                                                                        

(After the Maple Leaf hockey broadcast)
Tonight's 3 stars picked by the Mike Williams Show---David---Bethlehem----and Ringo.

A lot of you listeners have been asking me about the gasps and screams of delight heard on tonight's show​​​​​​​. They were caused by something special I possess....   this playboy magazine I'm reading.

(sign off)  And another ​​ Mike Williams show goes down in history----like all the biggies:   the Titanic....the Bismark...

The Mike Williams Show is officially advocating a FREE CANADA---independent of American control. We'll show the Americans they can't push us around. If they don't stop trying to take us over, we'll take back our gingerale!

Travel arrangements for guests of the Mike Williams Show are handled by "Wrong Way" Corrigan.

Secret of the day:  Colonel Sanders loves chicken smothered with Ketchup​​.

Just before going on the air,  my boss took me aside and told me he expected GREAT THINGS from me tonight.​​​​​​ So, here goes:  The invention of the telephone...Wellington's victory over Napoleon....Hannibal crossing the Alps....the end of WWII....

The Mike Williams "Anti-defamation Society" met last night and they voted me out of the executive. That was a cheap, dirty thing to do to the group's founder. The new executive must be a bunch of pinko commies!​​

Special prize for some lucky girl listening to the show tonight is a date with RIP TORN....and a sewing machine.

For his outstanding contribution to motherhood, the Mike Williams Posthumous Award goes to..... OEDIPUS REX!​​

Secret of the day: Lord Thompson of Fleet and Lord Beaverbrook were lousy paper boys. 
In the DRAMA segment of the Mike Williams Show tonight the part of Helen Hayes was played by a little old lady at the airport.

You've heard of Alexander The Great? William The Conqueror, Richard The Lion-Hearted?
Well, I'm Mike Williams and I don't have a title like those other guys because I'm not a show off​.

I just heard from the head of the local Woman's ​​Lib organization who says that unless Manitoba changes its name to Womantoba, she's going to get her organization to girlcot that province. 

Secret of the day: Mao Tse Tung doesn't know how to play Chinese Checkers.
​​For his contribution to modern street lighting, the Mike Williams' POSTHUMOUS AWARD OF MERIT goes to---------NERO. 

Gloria Swanson is in town this week. Hi Gloria. I want to thank you for all those TV dinners.

This has been the Mike Williams Show. Any reproduction of this program in part or whole without the express permission of the producers of this show is prohibited---and a stupid waste of time!​​

Why are women's libbers always complaining about men, saying we put them down. We do a lot of nice things for the ladies....after all, didn't we name a bug after them?  

​Secret of the day:  Santa Claus eats venison.

You heard of the Japanese version of Hot Pants? When you press the hips they hum. Hey, if you press my hips I'll sing you the whole song with words.

I had the weirdest dream last night...I was being chased all night long by a totally nude actress, Nicole Morin, the most beautiful face and figure in Canada......all night long chasing me in the nude.  I was disgusted...can't she run any faster than that?  

I understand that civil rights lawyer William Kunsler was a 4-letter man at college.

The producers of the Mike Williams show wish to thank 20th Century Fox for releasing Christopher Plummer to work on our plugged toilet.

Mother's Day----a time to remember that dedicated lady who devoted so much time to that little bundle in her arms....and I bet she still has to put out the garbage. 

Millions  have been wondering where I'm going for my summer vacation. Those millions are the offspring of the mosquitoes who bit me last year.

On the drama segment of the Mike Williams Show tonight, the role of "Chicken Little"​​  was played by Gregory Peck

You've heard of Mike Williams, the heart throb of millions of women on five continents?  Well, I am Mike Williams---------no relation to that other guy.

Olympic gold medalist Mark Spitz wears a nose plug.
Ever since CKFH started carrying the Montreal Expo baseball games, everybody around here has gone baseball crazy...there's even an ON DECK CIRCLE
outside the executive washroom. ​​

A lot of people want to know what I do with my time when I'm not entertaining millions of people on the Mike Williams show.  A lot of people should mind their own business. ​​

Another record for the Mike Williams show: for the last hour, this show attracted 1000 requests. But the answer is still NO!--- I WILL NOT QUIT MY JOB.

For the past 8 years I've had this string tied around my finger and I just figured out now what I was supposed to remember---REWIND THE YO YO.

I wouldn't say that Tom Fulton is a sloppy housekeeper but he really should find some other kind of part-time work.

Would you believe that I only made $500 dollars last year as Toronto's top night-time disc-jockey?  No? I don't think the income tax people will believe it either.

This programme has been selected for presentation to our armed forces---for target practice.

Another award for The Mike Williams show: the Shoppsy Merit Award---for creating a greater interest in BALONEY.

Advice from the Mike Williams Show on what to do about obscene phone calls that seem to always come at the most inconvenient times. Let me know and I'll arrange to call when you're not so busy.

My vacation plans are all set. I'm going to a place where there's plenty of excitement, exotic costumes, weird rituals and primitive, barbaric customs. I'll spend my vacation on the 10Th floor of Rochdale College.

Want to know what I'll be doing this weekend? I'll be doing my bit for ecology and the environment by picking up garbage, paper, discarded chocolate wrappers, rotting garbage and other filth and decay for proper disposal. When I'm through, you'll hardly recognize my apartment.​​

Secret of the day: Jacques Cousteau wears water wings.
​​Wow, another fabulous Mike Williams weekend has passed. Spent the entire weekend counting my freckles. I had to start all over again when I discovered some of them were simply flecks of dirt.

​​​​Whoever said, "Parting is such sweet sorrow." ---is a really, really, weird hairdresser. 

(after weather forecast of rain)
Tonight's thunder is brought to you by BOWLORAMA ALLIES.

Why am I a disc jockey? Well, I wanted a challenging job where people would desperately hang onto my every word and where people depended on me for their daily entertainment ​​​​​ and I want some big bucks. I became a disc jockey when I discovered I had no talent for being a TV repairman. 

Another exciting weekend coming up. I'll be in Tel Aviv----Moishe Dyan is teaching me how to wink.

Technical assistance on today's Mike Williams Show was by necessity
​So you think I am just another dumb disc-jockey?  I'll have you know that I have such a tremendous reputation as an expert on communication that I have been asked to deliver several papers to the faculty of York University ....they will be current issues of the Globe and Mail. 

In case you miss the John Donaby show this week, I'll give you the punch lines to his jokes so you won't miss anything. Tomorrow's punch line is: "To get to the other side." And Friday's: "That was my wife."​​


This is the Mike Williams show--for best results, use as directed. 

Gosh it was so great they way the CKFH staff welcomed me back from my vacation--what a surprise.  So clever the way they respected my shyness by disguising the brass band as ​​a street sweeper, two hippies, an old lady with a Laura Secord shopping bag and three Hari-Krishna pamphlet peddlers. 

(Queen's birthday)
You can see the fireworks right from our studios downtown---beautiful.  I just saw a beautiful roman candle down there ​​​a minute ago.........an Italian with his hair on fire. 

For all you kids who called the Mike Williams switchboard with homework problems related
to trigonometry​---sorry, I don't know anything about horses. 
(After a hockey game)
Tonight's 3 stars picked by the Mike Williams Show are:
Kay Star---Ringo Star--- and Daily Star​​

This is the Mike Williams Show, brought to you at great expense--mostly for diaper service. ​
Urgent message:  for Louis Riel---sell Hudson's Bay stock....buy Acme Rope.

Secret of the day: Stompin' Tom Connors has fallen arches.​​

I had another wild weekend, spent the whole weekend apartment hunting. Yeah, I forgot where I live again. 
Tonight, the Mike Williams Show has advice on what to do when​​ you get an obscene phone call---be polite, patient and kind, and whatever you do, DON'T HANG UP ON ME. 

I'll bet a lot of you remember the days when HOT PANTS meant you accidentally backed into
grandma's wood stove.  

Last night, Mal Farris asked me if he could give me a ring.  I said okay, but  now I have a problem: how does a guy go about breaking an engagement to a 25 year-old male disc jockey without hurting his feelings ....and should I keep the ring?​​​​​ 

I had my picture taken this week----today's art thieves obviously have good taste. 
It's St. Patrick's day tomorrow. I'm going to start with a large loaf of Irish bread and a 26'r of Irish whiskey for breakfast.​​Then, for lunch, a large bowl of Mulligan stew and another 26'r of Irish whiskey. For dinnner, more Mulligan stew, Irish soda bread and another bottle of Irish whiskey. By ten o'clock, I'll be busy chasing the snakes out of my apartment.

A lot of you people have been asking about my extra curricular activities off the air. A lot of you must be cops.

This is the Mike Williams Show. I hope you make allowances for me today--my own isn't enough for me to live on.

                       Christmas bits 1973 

I want to thank all you listeners who gave me a completely new wardrobe ​​​​for Christmas. So Kind of you. It couldn't have been easy...thrashing around inside those St. Vincent de Paul collection boxes for hours looking for my size. 

I went down to the Eaton's store to see the windows all dressed up for Christmas. There were dolls and dummies decked out in funny, fanciful clothing, dancing and cavorting to seasonal music....and those were the shoppers. ​​​

Thought I'd save money this Christmas...instead of buying a fresh Christmas tree, I just projected a picture of last year's tree on my living room wall. Trouble was, all my friends sent me slides of last year's presents.

The kids at Rochdale College will be using the same Christmas tree as last year---the hypodermic needles didn't fall off it yet. 

I know what I want for Christmas under my tree---Raquel Welch. I know I won't be able to keep her but I'd sure have fun feeling the package to see what it is.

​​​A lot of you listeners have been wondering what to send to your favorite disc-jockey for Christmas.  Okay, If you send me his name, I'll ask him. 

There's too much commercialism at Christmas time. People are too greedy...but not me, no sir. I think of the true meaning of the holiday each Christmas Eve when I hang my panty hose by the fireplace. ​​

There's a new toy on the market this year. It's terrific...you wind it up Christmas Day and it distributes batteries to all the other toys that came without them. 

I've made my New Years resolution. I promised not to make love to beautiful, ravishing girls who are always knocking at my door at all hours of the night. I must also resolve to give up lying.